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 Scott Creney

The 1980s Was Way Shittier Than You Think It Was – A Retrospective

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Pop music wasn’t any better than the ballads. This is probably the first song to sample a baby. It was #10. To put this in perspective, New Order has one song enter the US Top 40 the entire decade. ‘True Faith’ reached #32, largely because MTV played the video a few times. They were, for the times, far too cutting edge for the mainstream.

This Samantha Fox song reached #4. Still, she was not nearly as popular as this video would suggest.

I bet nobody remembers Robbie Nevil. ‘C’est La Vie’ was a bigger hit, but I remember that one popping up in a Moonlighting episode, and Moonlighting was awesome. This one reached #10.

Speaking of Moonlighting. It’s time for a celebrity interlude. Patrick Swayze, Don Johnson, and Bruce Willis all had Top Five hits in the 80s. Fun fact: Bruce Willis is the best-selling white artist in the history of Motown Records.

Don Johnson was on Miami Vice. Pretty sure that’s Dweezil Zappa playing guitar.

Patrick Swayze was in Dirty Dancing. Lots of people liked it.

Our celebrity interlude ends there. Some people might think Eddie Murphy should be there with his #2 hit ‘Party All The Time’, but that song isn’t nearly awful enough to be on this list. Hell, it was produced by Rick James.

Back to the charts. This song was #1. For the record, Brigette Herron hates this song more than any other, in any version. Here’s some Michael Jackson songs that weren’t as popular as this one: ‘Wanna Be Startin’ Somethin’, ‘Human Nature’, ‘P.Y.T.’, ‘Thriller’, ‘Smooth Criminal’, ‘Off The Wall’.

I don’t know where the fuck to put this. Was it a ballad? Was it rock? Was it pop? So it goes here. It reached #5.

Oh sure, everyone loves Duran Duran now. But um, this song was a bigger hit than ‘Rio’ or ‘Girls On Film’. Just saying.

Let’s end the pop section with Kool And The Gang. They had songs that were more popular, they had songs that were more annoying, but they never did anything as fucking god awful as this. It reached #10. Neither The Smiths or Echo And The Bunnymen ever reached the Top 40.

(continues overleaf)

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