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 Scott Creney

The 1980s Was Way Shittier Than You Think It Was – A Retrospective

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We’ll start with the ballads. Gloria Loring was a soap opera star. Carl Anderson played Judas in Jesus Christ Superstar. Together they had this #2 hit. The #1 song? ‘Stuck With You’ by Huey Lewis And The News. I have to admit the “I’ve been through you/And you’ve been through me” line is pretty bizarre. But man this song goes on for an eternity. I dare you to listen to the whole thing. Come on, it’s only 3:49.

Elton John fantasizing about getting with a woman in the Eastern Bloc? Scaling the walls (both metaphorical & literal) between them? This song, along with Sting’s #16 hit ‘Russians’, did its part to bring the world’s biggest superpowers closer together.

Like the tritest bit of lyrical poetry that Keats never imagined, lest he die even earlier, Expose soothed people’s broken hearts by reminding us all that change is inevitable, in people as it is in seasons. And feelings. This song was # 1 for a week. This means it was more popular than the following songs by Prince: ‘1999’, ‘Little Red Corvette’, ‘Purple Rain’, ‘I Would Die 4 U’, ‘Raspberry Beret’, ‘Pop Life’, ‘Sign O’ The Times’ and ‘Alphabet St’. However, ‘Batdance’ did get to Number One.

Billy Ocean had all kinds of awful moments in the 1980s (and one awesome moment), but none as tedious as ‘Love Zone’. It reached #10.

Belinda Carlisle, former lead singer for the occasionally awesome Go-Go’s went solo after that band imploded. She had one great moment, but after that it was all ballad hell. This was as bad as it got, and it got to #2. Rick Astley prevented her from reaching the top.

Peter Cetera could own this post all by himself — both solo and with Chicago. This was #1 for a week. Here’s a list of Madonna songs that weren’t as popular: ‘Holiday’, ‘Lucky Star’, ‘Borderline’, ‘Material Girl’, ‘Dress You Up’, ‘True Blue’, ‘La Isla Bonita’, ‘Express Yourself’ and ‘Cherish’.

(continues overleaf)

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