Princess Stomper

This is obviously some kind of sick joke (The Swaras | Gumtree ad)

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I’m not the only one to be spewing outraged into the internet (really – I promised myself I wouldn’t become one of those indignant shriekers on Twitter – “WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN“?) but I guess this touched a nerve. Some priceless comments on The Quietus’s Facebook page:

Complete fake. No bandcamp, soundcloud, facebook, twitter, youtube or anything else for that matter. If you have any label interest there will be something available online as once it’s out there you have no control nowadays. (Pad Thompson)

I preferred their earlier stuff. They completely lost it after the original bassist left (Richard Morgan)

Imagine the disappointment if you otherwise fitted the bill but were 25 (Richard D Clouston)

Nothing new here. Gender just a fresh gimmick. Isn’t this how Malcolm McLaren formed the Sex Pistols? Sid Vicious was skinny, had small tits and couldn’t play bass. (Amanda Barokh)

and on Everett True’s page:

Our material and history has been temporarily hidden due to the search for new members. ” Is this Pete Docherty? I haven’t seen him for ages! (Jonathan Sebire)

Gotta say, Libertines immediately came to my mind too. Wonder if this is how they also put the band together? (ET)

Oh dear fuck. It’s not just the physical appearance stuff that rankles, it’s the crushingly grim feeling that this band is just an exercise in music biz box-ticking. “Our influences include The Strokes, Young the Giant, Arctic Monkeys, Kings of Leon…” I defy anyone to read that and not feel a sense of creeping ennui stealing over them, like the shadow of approaching death. I see they mention “the managers”. It’s inevitable, I suppose, that this bunch of pliable wannabees would have more than one manager. The whole thing smells like an industry project dreamed up in a management meeting. They’ll probably be huge. (Michael Johnson)

This just made my eyes roll so far back I saw The Who’s debut performance on ‘Ready, Steady, Go!’ (Amy Dutronc)

It’s just a tragedy that so many talented young candidates will miss out on their rock and roll dreams when they can only muster 98% commitment to the band. After all, surely no one could expect them to cut Hollyoaks audition commitment below 2%? (Jonathan Sebire)

I reckon it’s a wind-up designed to get people talking about it, which we are…. (Corrinne Frazzoni)

FFS do you not realise that this band has a drawing of themselves going on? Isn’t it obvious that the only reason they want the new bassist’s physique to be a certain way is because they will have to pretend that the drawing is of them. They have probably paid a lot of money for printing tshirts or LP covers or posters or something, then the bassist quit. Now they need to replace them. I don’t think they’d request ‘small’ tits really if it was a matter of sexism. I think they want a woman who looks like the male bassist that quit. Why don’t they get a male bassist then? Who knows. (Hannah Golightly)

The last comment is interesting if you even start to consider the implications: they’re hiring based on a piece of merchandise, forcing the person to fit an exacting pre-defined image. But the sketch does not show bust size or even overall size – unless you’re morbidly obese, pretty much anyone could fit that sketch. Unless you’re black, of course. Or South Asian. Or tall or short or blonde. It doesn’t say which one you’re meant to look like – what if you have short hair when you’re supposed to be the long-haired one? What if your hair’s straight and this one’s curly – do you book yourself in for a perm?

On reflection, it’s almost certainly a hoax – a band with any kind of “buzz” about them would have been talked about by other people, and they’d be unable to remove those comments from the internet, so basically the band does not exist. I have, however, found this fictional collective the perfect flat-chested, deep-voiced bassist.

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