Pandora – Free Internet Radio | A Cautionary Tale

So I tried Pandora just now. Its slogan is: Listen to Free Internet Radio. Find New Music. I was psyched.

So I typed in The Legend!… and got this response:

“To start things off, we’ll play a song that exemplifies the musical style of The Legend! which features hard rock roots, extensive vamping, minor key tonality, dirty electric guitar riffs and an aggressive male vocalist.”

So then I typed in Tunabunny… and it suggested I should follow one Christy Sweeden Coyle, who likes “Dr. Dre, D12, Fort Minor, Bad Meets Evil”.

So then I typed in The Deadnotes… and it suggested I should listen to The Dead Bodies, whose musical style features “acoustic rock instrumentation, a subtle use of vocal harmony, mild rhythmic syncopation, acoustic rhythm piano and acoustic sonority”.

So then I typed in Hot Fruit… and it suggested that a similar song (by MGMT) that “features a subtle use of vocal harmony, minor key tonality, electric rhythm guitars, acoustic rhythm guitars and subtle use of acoustic piano”.

So then I typed in Chastity Belt… and it suggested a track that’s “comedically similar” to Chastity Belt called ‘Buttermilk/A Little Game’, that features “food humor, satirical observations, jokes appropriate for a family audience, comedy from the 50s and many other comedic similarities”.

So then I typed in Thee Open Sex… and it suggested I should listen to something called Sovereign GigglePuffs Radio (“still more interesting than your boyfriend”), which seems to feature an awful lot of U2, Steve Winwood and The Killers.

So then I stopped trying Pandora.

Thee Open Sex Photography: Alison Eden Copeland

by Everett True

My name is Everett True. I am a music critic. This is what I do. I criticise music. The clue is in my job description – music critic. I do not consider myself a journalist, as I do not research or report hard news. I do not consider myself a commentator as I believe that everyone should be a participant. I criticise people and in return I am not surprised if other people criticise me. It is part of the whole deal of being in the public arena. I am Everett True. Believe in me and I have power like a God. Quit believing in me and I no longer exist.